some where along the way I've lost my way...

How many times have you said cruel things... almost unspeakable things... the kind of things you would never speak to your own child (fur or human) yet you speak them freely to yourself. Most people can admit they are there own worse critic. To be honest there is almost nothing you can say to me that I haven't already internally attacked myself on esp. if I feel I have failed you. I've had some time to really listen to those thoughts we push away and I have to say I haven't been very nice to myself. I even started verbally remarking to myself about not being enough this or not being enough that. You get the picture. It's not pretty. We are taught from a young age to judge ourselves and others... The Media tells us what we should wear, how skinny we need to be (Miss Monroe was a Dress Size of 12/14/16 and now a Size 0/2/4 is the hollywood norm.) I'm honestly done with it. I'm done with the he said she said you don't you should... I'm ready for the challenge of living life on my terms...deep breathe...  I forgive myself for any harm I may have caused to myself and... and...I am... I am Beautiful! :o)

healthy boundaries...

People tell me things... People who don't even know me tell me things. Personal things. Life things. The cashier at Kroger felt the need to tell me she had her nails done for Prom. All I did was smile and say they looked nice and the next ten items or less scans I learned her prom date had not only bailed on her but knocked up this other girl and is now going to marry her. My response at least you found out now and let's face it they'll be divorced in a year and if he comes crawling back to you do yourself a favor and just say no.

The stranger danger factor is easy for me to shake... They don't corner me at my desk, they don't have my cell phone number so when I walk away it's done. 

However and I really hope this isn't going to turn into a "you're so vain you probably think this song is about you moment." as YOU are not the only person who dumps on me and YOU need to realize this post is not about YOU it's about ME. I'm sick of the he said-she said-but you said- and why don't you say- perhaps I sound selfish but at what point do I stand up and say enough. Look I get it you don't like them well guess what they don't like you and as little as I want to hear you talk about them on the flip I want to hear it even less from them and at the end of that day... and yeah I think you got handed the short end of the stick on that deal but holding onto that negativity isn't helping anyone and honestly I don't care. I think at one point in my life I really did and I really wanted to fix - to repair - to maintain... I'm finally to a point in my life that I can walk away. I need to learn healthy boundaries. I need to learn to say enough. To learn it's not my fight... and at the end of the day you've never once asked me... you just want to tell me to feed to your own ego. Go spew your negative energy somewhere else I have a LIFE to live. :o) 

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone."

Carrot Juice and God.

Sometimes she appears in my dreams and we have the most amazing conversations that I can't remember when I arise I just know that she's stopped by. It's not very often that she appears but she does it from time to time I think mainly to let me know that she misses me as much as I miss her. It always makes me wonder how life would be different if she were still here. If we'd go weeks without talking only to talk on the phone for a few minutes cause we're all so "busy" and I wonder If she is proud of me. If she would understand and accept the choices that I have made in my life. I still to this day reach out to the phone and try to dial her number... with hopes. It angers me that I didn't have the chance to ask her questions about "grown up" life and if I am doing it all wrong? Sometimes I wonder if I do enough? or if I do to much?

I can be so strong when it comes to talking about her... most days... but mothers day guts me. I'm not sure if it's the marketing the in your face reminder or if it's a simple memory of mothers day cards that I so often hand crafted for her out of construction or maybe it's the awareness that she really is gone. Regardless of what it is my heart is full of love today cause I was blessed to have a mom. a strong christian mother who taught me strength and the ability to look at things for the good. To let go and let God. To take life one day at a time. Oh and that a little Carrot Juice isn't going to hurt anyone.

Happy Mother's Day. If your mom is still alive give her a big hug for me the kind where you don't let go right away and you hold onto and you remember. After all if it wasn't for mommas we wouldn't be here. :o)

Stillness Speaks

"Leave life alone. Let it be." - Eckhart Tolle

Friendship

My mother use to always tell me that God puts us right where we need to be. Today I new that was true when I hugged an old friend. It was suppose to be over coffee but God had other plans. :o)

2000 to 2010

10 years ago I was still hung over from Y2-OK. It was the first full year of "our" marriage. "we" lived in Chicago. It was the first year I would have to learn to live without being able to pick up the phone to call my mother. It was also the year I would have to accept the fact that my father married my mother's sister. I was lost. I was scared. I was very much alone even when I had people around me. I drank to forget. I stumbled through... we all watched with horror as the home land was attacked... "we" had just moved to New Mexico (for his work) and I was home alone when Marlon called to tell me to turn on the TV. I sat in the closet with Biggie not sure where to go or what to do until it was time to go to class... Life slowed down people everywhere started being a little nicer. I bought a Harley and learned to ride it, I finished my college degree. "we" moved to Paris, Arkansas (for his work) "we" gutted a house and tried to hold on to what was left. Half way into that decade I gave up and said good bye to "we" so "he" could always remain a friend. *side note that's harder to type then I thought* I began a journey on my own... I got by with a little help from my friends. I spent a few night's at the Larese's, I lived on Shevy's sofa, The Worlow's opened up thier guest room and I slowly began to rebuild myself. A year in a rental house with my amazing friend Blu and then in Octobor of 2006 I took a big leap and bought a house only to be fired (for the first time ever in my life) one month later. *that was a harder hit then I would ever admit* I was thankful to my friend Joe who taught me the baby steps I stood back up dusted off my pride and jumped back in. I slung cotton and snapped some photos and honestly just regained my sanity. slowly. I started making it happen. I found out what happens when you don't take good care of yourself (fyi you end up in the ER with a BIg bill) I put down the bottle and I repaired my relationship with God. I found love again... found out how far it can really test you and how strong it can be if you hold on. I reconnected with those who I had lost and although they may not realize they make me smile with the most simple status updates or the "thumbs up" of a photo and they all helped in many ways to keep me sane as I left the comfort of Nashville (USA) for work. I traveled farther which allowed me to I find out that at the end of the day Home really is HOME SWEET HOME.

In 2010...

I want to chose my words a little better. . I will speak up. I will learn to ENJOY life and NOT STRESS about what is next. I will Learn to TRUST and to BELIEVE in myself and those around me. I will RUN phycially and not mentally.

New Year

2010 & 2009


It's January 1, 2010. Feeling pretty good about it. Not sure why just seems to be good. I started with getting the first flight of the year out of the way then going direct from BNA to my friend Carolyn's house for her ease into the New Year party. Carolyn is an amazing woman who I realized tonight that I have "been knowing now" for over TEN years! :-) Snell is the reason I started blogging and she is the reason I got back in to touring. I heart her. I just needed to share.

Standing up, Sitting down and no I'm not talking about Mass.

It's recently been brought to my attention that I am not very good at something... I know... Don't faint... turns out I'm not very keen on asking for help. They say the first step is admitting right. so There it is. :o) Nothing more for now...

Right back where you started from is where you belong...

Walking to my seat I passed front of house and glanced over to the mix position. When I arrived to my seat, house left on second row (Thanks DC), I looked  and noticed the video wall, next it was the spot ops hanging out in the truss about ten of them, the details in the Tait staging... the movement and the colors of the lights, the monitor mix position and the use of wedges and not in ears... the ushers, the security... Then my focus turned to the crowd... there was a guy in front of me with a Big K- Kmart hat with his girlfriend or wife.. Elton was busting out a not as well know tune and he knew when the drums hit he knew when the guitar came in he was on his feet and standing and he was conducting that song... his girlfriend/wife was laughing at him but he carried on. I realized then that I was now standing and clapping along my focus turned to Elton's hands as they flowed over the keys... he mentions the greatest Rock -n-Roll woman ever to live and states "I'm not talking about Janis Joplin, I'm talking about Nashville's own Brenda Lee. The crowd goes wild and the sweet gray haired woman in the seat next to me stands up all four foot eight inches... and waves as Elton begins "Blue jean baby..." It was in this moment that I felt a smile on my face that went ear to ear...as Billy began his set I left my seat and walked backstage to grab a water and help my friend pack up his cases and we sat in the production office and shared a few yawns and a laughs.  However for just awhile I forgot about drivers, dressing rooms, runners, bus-stock, catering, fluff and fold, after show food...and I needed a reminder from that angle. I'm home now but I will be out again soon on the circus...I guess it's true that sometimes right back where you started from is where you belong...in that moment. *smiles*