I wasn't last.

Bucket List 

I ran 26.2 miles. Let's be real, I ran 20 miles hit a wall and walked like a zombie for the last 6.2 but I finished. I wasn't last and I never even saw the sweepers! :)

I feel it is important to be honest and say that I didn't train properly in fact I spent more time putting together the music then I did running.  I wanted to have songs in the mix that represented the people in my lives to help me push forward. I have found that in my adventures I have managed to find some of the kindest souls. I wanted to honor that. Every Mile had a Memory.. I'll share a few...

Mile 1-  For Mae, my mother without her I wouldn't have made it in to this world. I miss her and I find myself doing more Mae mannerisms as I get older. I had set up the start to be Miles Davis - Autumn Leaves a song my mother loved however for some reason This Girl is on Fire by Alicia Keys began to play God always gives me what I need to see not what I think I need. If I ask for patience he will teach me patience. I can't think of a better way to start out...

"Oh, she got both feet on the ground

And she's burning it down

Oh, she got her head in the clouds

And she's not backing down"

Mile 3 - I felt something drop but couldn't figure out what it was and when you are running in the dark with 25,000 other people there is no time to wonder... you just keep moving forward. 

Mile 5  - Pam: I thought about you and I thought about the strength you have and how grounded you are with God.  I can't imagine a life without you in it and I LOVE the fact that even after I left Nashville you've made it a point to come see me (ever year) I also thought about bread pancakes and when you laugh so hard that you snort. I was rocking to ELTON and laughing as I approached main street.

Mile 6 - I stopped to jump in front of Cinderella's castle. Like my buddy Ali says "It would be rude not to." :o)

Both feet off the ground!

Mile 7 - Katie F. You tell me the truth even when I don't want to hear but I need to! You also make me laugh and there is no one with your brunch skills. Thank You for being a super hero in a sea of villains.

Mile 9 - That volunteer group that "fired" me, I ran a mile for you I dialed past your toxic negativity and I ran for you. I thanked God for the lessons and the blessings. I thank you for allowing me to see what I never want to become, to keep moving forward not backwards and to NEVER allow anyone to Bully me. Ain't nobody got time for that! :o)

Mile 11 - TEAM BULLDOG aka I love the fire, the energy and the love that I feel. The kindness is strong and I know if I ever need anything you all could get it done. Here's to Less Bullshit & More Dog shit! xoxo ps I could use a cupcake about now. lol

Mile 13 - I've run two 13 miles for 13 years races for Biggie. I always wear a grape soda Ellie Badge in his honor  It turns what I lost on mile 3 was my grape soda pin that I wear for Biggie. It was in that moment that I realized that this wasn't his race and he was letting me know that this was for me. This wasn't about him this was about me. I love you my big friend!

Mile 14 -  I knew I would need a strong memory to push me forward so for this mile I focused on Colleen this mile was for her it was the first mile past the mark of my comfort zone.  I have confidence from The Sound of Music which prompted Laughter and was just the push I needed. I ran strong!

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to

All I trust becomes my own

I have confidence in confidence alone

(Oh help!)

Mile 15 - Ironically this mile was for Rachel who has helped me ditch the toxic unhealthy stuff that can often cloud my mind and I didn't even realize that I would be struggling here seeing that I had 11.2 miles to go. The Darkness creeps in and you doubt yourself. Anyone who has ever told you couldn't shows up. I just laughed at them and left them on the pavement.

Mile 17-  for my father who just turned 70 on the same day I turned 39. On the 17th of October. I picked Keith Urban - Song For Dad.

The older I get

The more I can see

How much he loved my mother and my brother and me

And he did the best that he could

And I only hope when I have my own family

That everyday I see

A little more of my father in me

He's in my eyes

My heart, my soul

My hands, my pride

And when I feel alone

And I think I can't go on

I hear him sayin' "Son you'll be alright

Everything's gonna be alright"

Yes it is

Mile 19 - I realized I needed to start walking soon the course was getting really tight and everyone was slowing down when I would try to run I would get stuck behind someone and I was honestly losing the will to pass and my fingers were staring to swell up... I'm sure music was playing but I seriously have no clue what or how I was still standing.

Mile 21 - CAKE - I will Survive hit my ears and I started crying... I knew I was going to finish and I just became overwhelmed with emotions. I don't remember much from here until Mile 25... I'm pretty sure someone else was driving my body in a forward motion at this point.

Mile 25 - At this point every part of my body was hurting but I was still smiling on the outside. Typical Angela. For some reason they put more cameras in this section which let's be honest this is not the place or the time you want photos of you taken. Seriously so it was the perfect time to throw out deuces to my haters. I started this for Murph who is my brother from another mother. We fight like brothers/sisters. He's the only person I will share a six foot table while working 18 hour days back to back in 100 degree amphitheaters settings. I was sitting next to him when I signed up for this race in Virginia Beach and when I said I signed up his response was. "yeah you did." He never doubts me and always trusts me to do what needs to get done. Truth.

Deuces to my Haters!

Mile 26 was for Nate and although I had told him to just go ahead and return the rental car and meet me at the hotel he was there at the finish line to help me walk to the car. Just like he was awake at 3:00AM to drop me off at the starting line. He's always there for me and he's not afraid to call me out on my crazy. I crossed the finish line listening to Ray LaMontagne - You are the best thing.

Baby, we've come a long way, babyYou know, I hope and I pray that you believe meWhen I say this love will never fade away

Oh because, you are the best thing!

Never doubt yourself if you think you can you will. 

6:40:32

Na'cho

Random Stranger's always ask me... "What's your dog's name?" I always reply with a giggle "Na'cho. He was a foster fail. My boyfriend kept saying. 'Have you met my dog' and I kept saying.. that's Na'cho Dog so he named him Na'cho and he is our dog."

Na'cho who entered our home as "Zeke" a name he never responded to. He was being fostered by the amazing Deb Douglas who noticed he wasn't getting enough puppy play time with his older foster siblings. So a post went out with a request of a home where he could get more play time in. One thing I LOVE about the passion of animal lovers is the constant awareness of what an animal needs. It's so great that animals that use to only know a small cage now have these beautiful voices to lift them up. but I'll save that for another blog post. Back to "Zeke" He was scheduled to be neutered and was dropped off at the go to vet for Bulldogs All Pet's. Nate and I would pick him up after his surgery. We told Miss Lexi we were going to retrieve her a buddy and we made the trek out to Lockport. On arrival we were greeted by the amazing staff who we knew well from weekly trips with Miss Lexi. We were placed in a room. Then in a flash a small chubby silly 11 month old Bulldog ran past the door and Nate looked at me in complete horror as if to say oh no not that one that can't be him... the vet tech rerouted him and in the room here ran wiggle butt shaking and straight into Nate's lap. I listened as the vet tech gave us the run down on his issues and things to keep and eye out for and off we went. First stop was Target this little guy needed something to chew on and was in need of some pamper wipes for his tush. I return from the store to Nate who's first words on my return "Have you met my dog Batman Octavius Ditka?" and my reply that's "Na'cho" dog.

I feel like Biggie sent in Na'cho to be the healer for Nate. You see three weeks after Biggie's passing Nate went through what I can only say is a living nightmare.  I can't actually tell you that story as it's not my story to tell. Na'cho gave Nate something to focus on. Na'cho had a Luxating patella. A condition in which the patella, or kneecap, dislocates or moves out of its normal location. A successful but tough operation was done by Dr. Paul Navin at All Pets. Na'cho had the bone carved down and two medal pins placed to keep him together.  Two months after surgery Na'cho started physical therapy at Integrative Pet Care. Na'cho completed eight weeks of swimming, exercises, lasers, and chiro. He was a little machine. A few weeks after completing treatment one of his pins starting pushing out and after a visit with Dr. Navin he returned to have one pin removed.  He was actually so strong and active that the smaller of the pins was pushing itself out. Once that pin was removed it was if he had magically been transformed. I was on the road for a majority of this and Nate did a great job on seeing him through and getting him healed. 

Anyone who has met Na'cho knows what a sweet gentle soul he is. He's full of love. When my dad met him turned to me and said you know who would have ever thought you could find another dog that had just as big of a personality. 

Na'cho you know I wasn't ready for you but I am so glad you choose us. 

broken...

"I thought I wouldn't live through it. But you do. You learn to love the place somebody leaves behind for you.” - Barbara Kingsolver  

My big white fluffy gassy hunk of bulldog. I put on such a good front for life... making things happen for everyone else like it's riding a bike but for me no I can't handle that... can't do nice things for me, can't sort my things out... Biggie was my focus... My heart. In the months following his passing I shut down...my heart had stopped beating,  wasn't writing, wasn't working, wasn't really doing much of anything except being heart broken. When he passed I was forced to deal with the silence and had nothing to focus on but me... So not good at that. So in attempt to pull myself from that I vowed to run 13 miles for 13 years and In January I ran a half marathon for Biggie... every step was for him... 

When I returned home I recieved a call from a local Bulldog Rescue organization  that Nate and I had applied to volunteer with. We thought it would be a perfect gig for us  since we had Bulldog experience and had downtime through out the year. However... when they called I had just walked into an empty house and Nate had started up with touring for the year... I was anything but ready. When I tell you that they could sell a polar bear ice cubes I am not kidding... within moments I had agreed to pick up a puppy mill mamma #1714 who had a horrible case mange, possible heart murmur, closed left eye and had not left her kennel as she was afraid of everything and did I mention she was as skinny as a rail... 

Broken. Both of us just at a point where most people would have given up on us. I had to carry Lexi  into the house where she immediately pooped and pee'd on a not so cheap rug. Deep breaths... placed her calmly in the bathroom and phoned my friend Pam.  I cursed before she could even say hello there was no way I could do it.  She couldn't even walk on a collar... Pam talked me off the wall and when I hung up I remembered Biggie's arrival int0 my life shuffled from home to home he was out of control living in the basement with a shoe for a toy... You gotta start somewhere... 

So I sat with her and we just breathed the same air. Slowly she began to trust me to understand that peeing was something we did outside and that food and water were provided daily and that there was love... there was always love. The simple joys of watching her toss a toy for the first time, watching her tail wag for the first time, her first smile... Lexi was starting to heal and as she healed I slowly began to feel my own heart heal. 've  always believed that my mom had sent me Biggie and now Biggie had sent me Lexi... he knew I wasn't capable of healing on my own and that I needed a focus... I began to refer to Biggie as the Dogfather and slowly his toys became her toys... 

Then one day a plea for a foster home to open up for #1715 a puppy mill less then one year old male used as a stud service dog until the puppies he was producing had water on the brain. (I shall save his story for another day.) Lexi LOVES other dogs so just when I thought I was done learning lessons I agreed to help. Nervous about what I had just agreed to and again questioning if I would be able to handle this younger dog who went by the name of Zeke but didn't even respond to his own name... picking up this little dog was the opposite of picking up Lexi he was the yang to her yin... He was the missing link to help this sweet girl heal he was her wingman. He taught her how to be sassy and opened up the world of trusting strangers.  

Part of the foster process is stepping back and realizing what kind of a home would your foster dog  be best in... I thought to myself.. my home... there is no one who would love her like me.. I loved her hairless... She loved running and being free. You see Lexi had spent the first two years of her life locked up in a small kennel. She loved her new found freedom. This was clear the thing that would most make Lexi happy would be a quieter home in the suburbs with her very own fenced in yard... and if she could have a buddy she would be in heaven. I was heart broken. I prayed. That's when the moment of clarity and peace fell into my heart... Biggie was teaching me to love and let go. I searched the rescue database and located the perfect match from someone I had never met but for reasons beyond my mind at the time I just knew this was the match. The home had a fenced in yard and a one year old bulldog who was looking for a friend. Months passed and Lexi was finally cleared timing couldn't have worked out any better.  A home visit and a powerful love match one would think this is where the  story would end... In some ways it's just the beginning... You see it turns out my Biggie my sweet angel with his tiny bulldog wings had made friends with a man he met in Heaven who had passed around the same time who was also helping a love he left behind... That's right Lexi's forever mom! Who I couldn't be any prouder to now call my friend. :o) 

So today on the one year anniversary of losing my best friend with four legs I thank Biggie for helping me to learn to love the place that he left behind. 

1992

It has recently been brought to my attention that my 20 year high school reunion is approaching in a few short months. When I look back on high school I remember that I wasn't a popular kid heck I barely attended classes my senior year. I went to UMR half days just to avoid being there... I was the kid who wore a shirt that read no blood for oil and got voted most likely to overthrow the government. I was to busy spinning records at KMNR, I spent most of my nights sleeping on the floor at Amy and Sandy's dorm. I dressed funny, I had braids, I listened to strange music, no one signed my yearbook. I was not cool. That didn't stop me from singing at my high school talent show (Mazzy Star - Give you my Lovin') Thanks to Lee for jumping in to tap the tambourine when I got to scared and Jason for telling me I could and I would... I sang from my heart...My closing statement for the yearbook senior will read "to the closed minded yuppies in the hallway -I did it my way" And in the end I did at graduation I wore black and white striped stockings and black chucks and a daisy in my hair... and I got on with it...  I survived the teasing and it turns out those bands I listened to survived as well... Heck Green Day charted top 40 and has a Broadway musical! That radio station helped shape my career. I guess when I look back it really makes me just look forward more then anything. Makes me proud of things I often dismiss or laugh off in my daily life.  Thankful for the experiences and the knowledge I have gained the miles I have traveled... I'm still me. :o)

I believe in you...

I was in tears when I heard Neil Young perform this song... I hadn't enjoyed a live concert in years and Neil made me feel music again. It's funny how much words can change your day and your outcome... I have some amazing friends and I don't always get to see them or tell them this but just knowing the challenges they have overcome they remind me that I can and I will... It's that simple.  

PS the lighting was amazing! :o) 

Now that you found yourself losing your mind
Are you here again?
Finding that what you once thought was real
Is gone, and changing?

Now that you made yourself love me
Do you think I can change it in a day?
How can I place you above me?
Am I lying to you when I say
That I believe in you
I believe in you.

Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.

cold wet nose

and a great big heart

with unconditional love

living in the moment

with no judgements

you were the rescue

and you rescued me.

lost without directions

my walls up high

you comforted me

you repaired my heart

over and over again

taught me how to love

reminded me to smile

I never thought walking out the door that morning that would be my last goodbye. It was early and I had a flight to catch and you always did like to sleep in. I recall you didn't really even want to give me a kiss but I being the only thing more stubborn then you won that battle. I walked out the door and that was it... I've always hated goodbyes the last time I saw my mother I ran into the house three times and hugged her while Kate sat with the car ready to go in her green Chevy impala you'll be back in a few weeks for the wedding she said but I knew better... Something had told me that this was it and I kept running back inside to get the good bye right... but Biggie must have been the one to know... he waited... he waited for Nate to return home. The vets didn't even know. You had all the right tests run yet you waited till you were cleared... I guess you were just tired and maybe ready to take that big nap in the sky. I can tell you I was not... I was not prepared for nor looking back would I have ever been. You knew this after all you knew me better then anyone. It was you who entered my life the Easter after mom passed. You found me. Lost and needing a home. Rescued they say... so foolish as you rescued me. That first mothers day you licked away my tears and you just sat with me. I never had to be anything but me for you. You defined unconditional love. When I got the call at six am from Nate and he handed me to the vet the second he said your stomach had flipped,  I stumbled into the front lounge and dropped to my knees. I was so scared and so alone in that moment. I managed to finally get words out. Biggie wasn't in pain he was on morphine... mom was on morphine... searching for the ability to just breathe I realized the only option, sadness and questions I have so much... the what ifs and the whys... I tired to say good bye to you on the phone but I was crying so hard I question if the words where forming and if you even knew it was me. Nate said you perked up when you heard my voice... I told Biggie when he got to heaven that there would be a lady named Mae there that never really cared much for dogs but that she would look after him for me. Biggie was more to me then "just a dog" he was my whole world.. he was my heart, my angel flying to close to the ground. 


Before I left for tour I was able to spend six months with Biggie and for that I am eternally grateful. He was a 13 and a half year old English Bulldog so walks had to be slowed down and shorter. He took time to sniff the air and feel the wind. He smiled with each step. He was proud. He loved company and loved napping with his buddy Nate.  You see each day when a dog awakes he's not worried about what to wear or how his hair looks or that extra five pounds. It's simple they live in the moment, they don't judge and they love unconditionally. Simple needs Food, Water, Shelter and Love. Sounds like a pretty good plan to me. Here we go one step at a time... 

SIGN OF LIFE.

Awhile back I mention my friend Hilary and how you would have to wait to hear her story well if you haven't already picked this up then just click on the link below.

It took me awhile to get the courage up to read this one since it's based around her accident. It's tough to read and not get emotional when the story is true and about people you know and love. The name of the book is also the name of a song Hilary co-wrote with my old Nashville roomie Blu Sanders. You can pick it up on itunes. :o)

Hi My Name is Angela and I am a Roadie.

A few days before the big blizzard hit I was out walking the snowtorious B.I.G and the neighbor in the single family home two houses to my right struck up a converstion with me. It started light with my he's a big guy. Biggie is a little overwhelming he's a 75 pound English Bulldog. Her little dog Lucy was enjoying running up and then running away from Biggie. She noted that I was new to the neighborhood which I confirmed and mentioned buying that place over there. Pointed to said condo where for sale sign once lived. Biggie and I kept walking down the sidewalk and on the return she asked the job question. My response was simple... I'm an Independent Contractor. She follwed that with oh in what field and I responsed with Live Touring Production. pauses akward silence.... confused looks and finally I said I travel with various live entertainment shows.... and just as I saw her look of complete terror I drop... "I'm a roadie." She gets it oh "you travel with the rock bands from place to place oh I see. Anyone I know?" We shared a few laughs over my past employers and said good-bye. Biggie and I walked back into the house and it hits me "I'm a roadie." Seriously that's my job.

RAW but not the WWF Smackdown! kind...

"Lately I've been glaring into mirrors picking myself apart you'd think at my age I'd thought of something better to do than making insecurity into a full time job making insecurity into an art." 

-Ani DiFranco

This past Monday-Wednesday I drank water... I ate no food and I drank nothing but ionized filtered water for three days. I faced my demons. I didn't just wake up and say I think I will give a water fast a go... It was all apart of my last 30 Days... Nate gave me a raw food detox as a Christmas gift. I've battled with some skin issues for almost five years. I've tried everything and no one has any answers. In 2009 while in Hong Kong, I saw a chinese herbalist who told me two things he said you have butterfly pattern you need to be tested for lupis and you no eat the heated foods. I assumed he meant look little girl you must learn to stay away from the wasabi... Turns out he meant heated as in cooked. Those who know me know I stopped eating meat when I was around 16. Stories vary on why from the more commonly told there was a big scare about eating meat causing cancer to the less told "I was at Hardee's and my Hamburger moo'd at me." Moral of the story I have been off the meat for 21 years. I am bringing this up to confirm what most of you already know I'm a hippie, Love the animals so not eating meat is easy. No caffiene and by NO I mean not even decaf. I started weening myself off coffee back in Mid-October so that was actually a matter of just switching to the herbals and learning about the super food maca.  So that really just left my biggest addiction. SUGAR. They say that coming off sugar is like coming off of heroin. Lucky for me I've found stevia (it's not sugar)... They also still allow natural sugars like agave and palm sugars etc... non processed. So it's not ZERO sugar but it's not my normal Quentin Tarantino amount of sugar in my coffee...you know I like a side of coffee with my sugar. Moving on...So week one they prepare three raw food meals for you including a raw food dessert. You drop about 5-8pds. Week two you scale down to two raw food meals and you have more clear snot come out of your nose then you every thought possible. Week three you are having one raw food meal and smoothies and the snot turns into a tons of emotional drainage and you learn things like say to those I shut out in the past trust me it wasn't you and the so I am not always right... sighs oh and then on the last week you fast. This means juice (green juice) or Water. I chose to do three days of water. Three is a big number it's the magic number. Now please keep in mind that I have gone 14 days of just drinking UltraClear as a part of the let's figure out what else you are allergic to plan and that when I set my mind to it I am like a Bulldog... I set my eyes on the prize. The prize my health. I'm not going to lie it's not easy. In fact your smells are on high alert so when someone cooks a pizza you smell it 100% more. (this may have to do with the draining of the snot.) Anyway... Day four I added back juice Day Five smoothie Day Six spinach leaves and some fresh lemon juice... That leads us to the NOW. (or to yesterday(s) depending on when you read this) I will continue eating raw food for the next 7 days... I picked up some goodies that I am allowed to add back in: a bag of cacao powder for my smoothies and some raw oatmeal items. I'm also very anxious to try my hand at making a few raw meals. My meals up to this point have been prepared as a part of the cleanse. Which was good/bad... nice to not have to think about it but bad when you are faced with an item you really rather just toss in the bin. Anyway, so Nate and I are going out with friends on Sunday and I'm sure that will involve cooked foods... and let's get real touring isn't easy when it comes to allergies. (Unless of course, I'm with my Lat45 brothers - they always make sure I have something Gluten free)  I do think the only non vegan item I would add back in at this point would be goats cheese... If you've had the sweet potato fries and goats cheese dip at uncommon ground you would fully understand this statement. So on to the Results...

My energy level's are better, My skin is clearer, My thinking is less clouded and I'm finally breaking through years of building up walls. *breathes*

 So This is me Raw Foods on Day 29 - Right after a workout and with no make up! :o)

“I’ve got myself a new mantra, It says ‘Don’t forget to have a good-time.’"-Ani DiFranco

I only allow that which is good into my life...

I've been learning about what I don't need in my life this year. 
I guess I was finally open to learning that lesson...
I think it might have to do with discovering/accepting my own self-worth.  
I've recently learned that... 

No one can depress you. 

No one can make you anxious. 

No one can hurt your feelings.

No one can make you anything other than what you allow inside.

It's just that simple. I seem to have almost lost sight of the fact that You control your life. NO ONE else does. YOU. You have the power to Stand Back Up and say "No Thanks." which also gives you the power to say "Yes, Please."  

some where along the way I've lost my way...

How many times have you said cruel things... almost unspeakable things... the kind of things you would never speak to your own child (fur or human) yet you speak them freely to yourself. Most people can admit they are there own worse critic. To be honest there is almost nothing you can say to me that I haven't already internally attacked myself on esp. if I feel I have failed you. I've had some time to really listen to those thoughts we push away and I have to say I haven't been very nice to myself. I even started verbally remarking to myself about not being enough this or not being enough that. You get the picture. It's not pretty. We are taught from a young age to judge ourselves and others... The Media tells us what we should wear, how skinny we need to be (Miss Monroe was a Dress Size of 12/14/16 and now a Size 0/2/4 is the hollywood norm.) I'm honestly done with it. I'm done with the he said she said you don't you should... I'm ready for the challenge of living life on my terms...deep breathe...  I forgive myself for any harm I may have caused to myself and... and...I am... I am Beautiful! :o)

healthy boundaries...

People tell me things... People who don't even know me tell me things. Personal things. Life things. The cashier at Kroger felt the need to tell me she had her nails done for Prom. All I did was smile and say they looked nice and the next ten items or less scans I learned her prom date had not only bailed on her but knocked up this other girl and is now going to marry her. My response at least you found out now and let's face it they'll be divorced in a year and if he comes crawling back to you do yourself a favor and just say no.

The stranger danger factor is easy for me to shake... They don't corner me at my desk, they don't have my cell phone number so when I walk away it's done. 

However and I really hope this isn't going to turn into a "you're so vain you probably think this song is about you moment." as YOU are not the only person who dumps on me and YOU need to realize this post is not about YOU it's about ME. I'm sick of the he said-she said-but you said- and why don't you say- perhaps I sound selfish but at what point do I stand up and say enough. Look I get it you don't like them well guess what they don't like you and as little as I want to hear you talk about them on the flip I want to hear it even less from them and at the end of that day... and yeah I think you got handed the short end of the stick on that deal but holding onto that negativity isn't helping anyone and honestly I don't care. I think at one point in my life I really did and I really wanted to fix - to repair - to maintain... I'm finally to a point in my life that I can walk away. I need to learn healthy boundaries. I need to learn to say enough. To learn it's not my fight... and at the end of the day you've never once asked me... you just want to tell me to feed to your own ego. Go spew your negative energy somewhere else I have a LIFE to live. :o) 

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone."

Carrot Juice and God.

Sometimes she appears in my dreams and we have the most amazing conversations that I can't remember when I arise I just know that she's stopped by. It's not very often that she appears but she does it from time to time I think mainly to let me know that she misses me as much as I miss her. It always makes me wonder how life would be different if she were still here. If we'd go weeks without talking only to talk on the phone for a few minutes cause we're all so "busy" and I wonder If she is proud of me. If she would understand and accept the choices that I have made in my life. I still to this day reach out to the phone and try to dial her number... with hopes. It angers me that I didn't have the chance to ask her questions about "grown up" life and if I am doing it all wrong? Sometimes I wonder if I do enough? or if I do to much?

I can be so strong when it comes to talking about her... most days... but mothers day guts me. I'm not sure if it's the marketing the in your face reminder or if it's a simple memory of mothers day cards that I so often hand crafted for her out of construction or maybe it's the awareness that she really is gone. Regardless of what it is my heart is full of love today cause I was blessed to have a mom. a strong christian mother who taught me strength and the ability to look at things for the good. To let go and let God. To take life one day at a time. Oh and that a little Carrot Juice isn't going to hurt anyone.

Happy Mother's Day. If your mom is still alive give her a big hug for me the kind where you don't let go right away and you hold onto and you remember. After all if it wasn't for mommas we wouldn't be here. :o)

Stillness Speaks

"Leave life alone. Let it be." - Eckhart Tolle

Friendship

My mother use to always tell me that God puts us right where we need to be. Today I new that was true when I hugged an old friend. It was suppose to be over coffee but God had other plans. :o)

2000 to 2010

10 years ago I was still hung over from Y2-OK. It was the first full year of "our" marriage. "we" lived in Chicago. It was the first year I would have to learn to live without being able to pick up the phone to call my mother. It was also the year I would have to accept the fact that my father married my mother's sister. I was lost. I was scared. I was very much alone even when I had people around me. I drank to forget. I stumbled through... we all watched with horror as the home land was attacked... "we" had just moved to New Mexico (for his work) and I was home alone when Marlon called to tell me to turn on the TV. I sat in the closet with Biggie not sure where to go or what to do until it was time to go to class... Life slowed down people everywhere started being a little nicer. I bought a Harley and learned to ride it, I finished my college degree. "we" moved to Paris, Arkansas (for his work) "we" gutted a house and tried to hold on to what was left. Half way into that decade I gave up and said good bye to "we" so "he" could always remain a friend. *side note that's harder to type then I thought* I began a journey on my own... I got by with a little help from my friends. I spent a few night's at the Larese's, I lived on Shevy's sofa, The Worlow's opened up thier guest room and I slowly began to rebuild myself. A year in a rental house with my amazing friend Blu and then in Octobor of 2006 I took a big leap and bought a house only to be fired (for the first time ever in my life) one month later. *that was a harder hit then I would ever admit* I was thankful to my friend Joe who taught me the baby steps I stood back up dusted off my pride and jumped back in. I slung cotton and snapped some photos and honestly just regained my sanity. slowly. I started making it happen. I found out what happens when you don't take good care of yourself (fyi you end up in the ER with a BIg bill) I put down the bottle and I repaired my relationship with God. I found love again... found out how far it can really test you and how strong it can be if you hold on. I reconnected with those who I had lost and although they may not realize they make me smile with the most simple status updates or the "thumbs up" of a photo and they all helped in many ways to keep me sane as I left the comfort of Nashville (USA) for work. I traveled farther which allowed me to I find out that at the end of the day Home really is HOME SWEET HOME.

In 2010...

I want to chose my words a little better. . I will speak up. I will learn to ENJOY life and NOT STRESS about what is next. I will Learn to TRUST and to BELIEVE in myself and those around me. I will RUN phycially and not mentally.

New Year

2010 & 2009


It's January 1, 2010. Feeling pretty good about it. Not sure why just seems to be good. I started with getting the first flight of the year out of the way then going direct from BNA to my friend Carolyn's house for her ease into the New Year party. Carolyn is an amazing woman who I realized tonight that I have "been knowing now" for over TEN years! :-) Snell is the reason I started blogging and she is the reason I got back in to touring. I heart her. I just needed to share.

Standing up, Sitting down and no I'm not talking about Mass.

It's recently been brought to my attention that I am not very good at something... I know... Don't faint... turns out I'm not very keen on asking for help. They say the first step is admitting right. so There it is. :o) Nothing more for now...

Right back where you started from is where you belong...

Walking to my seat I passed front of house and glanced over to the mix position. When I arrived to my seat, house left on second row (Thanks DC), I looked  and noticed the video wall, next it was the spot ops hanging out in the truss about ten of them, the details in the Tait staging... the movement and the colors of the lights, the monitor mix position and the use of wedges and not in ears... the ushers, the security... Then my focus turned to the crowd... there was a guy in front of me with a Big K- Kmart hat with his girlfriend or wife.. Elton was busting out a not as well know tune and he knew when the drums hit he knew when the guitar came in he was on his feet and standing and he was conducting that song... his girlfriend/wife was laughing at him but he carried on. I realized then that I was now standing and clapping along my focus turned to Elton's hands as they flowed over the keys... he mentions the greatest Rock -n-Roll woman ever to live and states "I'm not talking about Janis Joplin, I'm talking about Nashville's own Brenda Lee. The crowd goes wild and the sweet gray haired woman in the seat next to me stands up all four foot eight inches... and waves as Elton begins "Blue jean baby..." It was in this moment that I felt a smile on my face that went ear to ear...as Billy began his set I left my seat and walked backstage to grab a water and help my friend pack up his cases and we sat in the production office and shared a few yawns and a laughs.  However for just awhile I forgot about drivers, dressing rooms, runners, bus-stock, catering, fluff and fold, after show food...and I needed a reminder from that angle. I'm home now but I will be out again soon on the circus...I guess it's true that sometimes right back where you started from is where you belong...in that moment. *smiles*

Simply put...

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly without complexities or pride. I love you because I know no other way then this. So close that your hand, on my chest, is my hand. So close, that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep.” - Pablo Neruda

sometimes we over think we over react... we go mental...we get confused... we over complicate things... I love this quote cause there is no but... why... just Love.