broken...

"I thought I wouldn't live through it. But you do. You learn to love the place somebody leaves behind for you.” - Barbara Kingsolver  

My big white fluffy gassy hunk of bulldog. I put on such a good front for life... making things happen for everyone else like it's riding a bike but for me no I can't handle that... can't do nice things for me, can't sort my things out... Biggie was my focus... My heart. In the months following his passing I shut down...my heart had stopped beating,  wasn't writing, wasn't working, wasn't really doing much of anything except being heart broken. When he passed I was forced to deal with the silence and had nothing to focus on but me... So not good at that. So in attempt to pull myself from that I vowed to run 13 miles for 13 years and In January I ran a half marathon for Biggie... every step was for him... 

When I returned home I recieved a call from a local Bulldog Rescue organization  that Nate and I had applied to volunteer with. We thought it would be a perfect gig for us  since we had Bulldog experience and had downtime through out the year. However... when they called I had just walked into an empty house and Nate had started up with touring for the year... I was anything but ready. When I tell you that they could sell a polar bear ice cubes I am not kidding... within moments I had agreed to pick up a puppy mill mamma #1714 who had a horrible case mange, possible heart murmur, closed left eye and had not left her kennel as she was afraid of everything and did I mention she was as skinny as a rail... 

Broken. Both of us just at a point where most people would have given up on us. I had to carry Lexi  into the house where she immediately pooped and pee'd on a not so cheap rug. Deep breaths... placed her calmly in the bathroom and phoned my friend Pam.  I cursed before she could even say hello there was no way I could do it.  She couldn't even walk on a collar... Pam talked me off the wall and when I hung up I remembered Biggie's arrival int0 my life shuffled from home to home he was out of control living in the basement with a shoe for a toy... You gotta start somewhere... 

So I sat with her and we just breathed the same air. Slowly she began to trust me to understand that peeing was something we did outside and that food and water were provided daily and that there was love... there was always love. The simple joys of watching her toss a toy for the first time, watching her tail wag for the first time, her first smile... Lexi was starting to heal and as she healed I slowly began to feel my own heart heal. 've  always believed that my mom had sent me Biggie and now Biggie had sent me Lexi... he knew I wasn't capable of healing on my own and that I needed a focus... I began to refer to Biggie as the Dogfather and slowly his toys became her toys... 

Then one day a plea for a foster home to open up for #1715 a puppy mill less then one year old male used as a stud service dog until the puppies he was producing had water on the brain. (I shall save his story for another day.) Lexi LOVES other dogs so just when I thought I was done learning lessons I agreed to help. Nervous about what I had just agreed to and again questioning if I would be able to handle this younger dog who went by the name of Zeke but didn't even respond to his own name... picking up this little dog was the opposite of picking up Lexi he was the yang to her yin... He was the missing link to help this sweet girl heal he was her wingman. He taught her how to be sassy and opened up the world of trusting strangers.  

Part of the foster process is stepping back and realizing what kind of a home would your foster dog  be best in... I thought to myself.. my home... there is no one who would love her like me.. I loved her hairless... She loved running and being free. You see Lexi had spent the first two years of her life locked up in a small kennel. She loved her new found freedom. This was clear the thing that would most make Lexi happy would be a quieter home in the suburbs with her very own fenced in yard... and if she could have a buddy she would be in heaven. I was heart broken. I prayed. That's when the moment of clarity and peace fell into my heart... Biggie was teaching me to love and let go. I searched the rescue database and located the perfect match from someone I had never met but for reasons beyond my mind at the time I just knew this was the match. The home had a fenced in yard and a one year old bulldog who was looking for a friend. Months passed and Lexi was finally cleared timing couldn't have worked out any better.  A home visit and a powerful love match one would think this is where the  story would end... In some ways it's just the beginning... You see it turns out my Biggie my sweet angel with his tiny bulldog wings had made friends with a man he met in Heaven who had passed around the same time who was also helping a love he left behind... That's right Lexi's forever mom! Who I couldn't be any prouder to now call my friend. :o) 

So today on the one year anniversary of losing my best friend with four legs I thank Biggie for helping me to learn to love the place that he left behind.