I believe in you...

I was in tears when I heard Neil Young perform this song... I hadn't enjoyed a live concert in years and Neil made me feel music again. It's funny how much words can change your day and your outcome... I have some amazing friends and I don't always get to see them or tell them this but just knowing the challenges they have overcome they remind me that I can and I will... It's that simple.  

PS the lighting was amazing! :o) 

Now that you found yourself losing your mind
Are you here again?
Finding that what you once thought was real
Is gone, and changing?

Now that you made yourself love me
Do you think I can change it in a day?
How can I place you above me?
Am I lying to you when I say
That I believe in you
I believe in you.

Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.

cold wet nose

and a great big heart

with unconditional love

living in the moment

with no judgements

you were the rescue

and you rescued me.

lost without directions

my walls up high

you comforted me

you repaired my heart

over and over again

taught me how to love

reminded me to smile

I never thought walking out the door that morning that would be my last goodbye. It was early and I had a flight to catch and you always did like to sleep in. I recall you didn't really even want to give me a kiss but I being the only thing more stubborn then you won that battle. I walked out the door and that was it... I've always hated goodbyes the last time I saw my mother I ran into the house three times and hugged her while Kate sat with the car ready to go in her green Chevy impala you'll be back in a few weeks for the wedding she said but I knew better... Something had told me that this was it and I kept running back inside to get the good bye right... but Biggie must have been the one to know... he waited... he waited for Nate to return home. The vets didn't even know. You had all the right tests run yet you waited till you were cleared... I guess you were just tired and maybe ready to take that big nap in the sky. I can tell you I was not... I was not prepared for nor looking back would I have ever been. You knew this after all you knew me better then anyone. It was you who entered my life the Easter after mom passed. You found me. Lost and needing a home. Rescued they say... so foolish as you rescued me. That first mothers day you licked away my tears and you just sat with me. I never had to be anything but me for you. You defined unconditional love. When I got the call at six am from Nate and he handed me to the vet the second he said your stomach had flipped,  I stumbled into the front lounge and dropped to my knees. I was so scared and so alone in that moment. I managed to finally get words out. Biggie wasn't in pain he was on morphine... mom was on morphine... searching for the ability to just breathe I realized the only option, sadness and questions I have so much... the what ifs and the whys... I tired to say good bye to you on the phone but I was crying so hard I question if the words where forming and if you even knew it was me. Nate said you perked up when you heard my voice... I told Biggie when he got to heaven that there would be a lady named Mae there that never really cared much for dogs but that she would look after him for me. Biggie was more to me then "just a dog" he was my whole world.. he was my heart, my angel flying to close to the ground. 


Before I left for tour I was able to spend six months with Biggie and for that I am eternally grateful. He was a 13 and a half year old English Bulldog so walks had to be slowed down and shorter. He took time to sniff the air and feel the wind. He smiled with each step. He was proud. He loved company and loved napping with his buddy Nate.  You see each day when a dog awakes he's not worried about what to wear or how his hair looks or that extra five pounds. It's simple they live in the moment, they don't judge and they love unconditionally. Simple needs Food, Water, Shelter and Love. Sounds like a pretty good plan to me. Here we go one step at a time... 

SIGN OF LIFE.

Awhile back I mention my friend Hilary and how you would have to wait to hear her story well if you haven't already picked this up then just click on the link below.

It took me awhile to get the courage up to read this one since it's based around her accident. It's tough to read and not get emotional when the story is true and about people you know and love. The name of the book is also the name of a song Hilary co-wrote with my old Nashville roomie Blu Sanders. You can pick it up on itunes. :o)

Hi My Name is Angela and I am a Roadie.

A few days before the big blizzard hit I was out walking the snowtorious B.I.G and the neighbor in the single family home two houses to my right struck up a converstion with me. It started light with my he's a big guy. Biggie is a little overwhelming he's a 75 pound English Bulldog. Her little dog Lucy was enjoying running up and then running away from Biggie. She noted that I was new to the neighborhood which I confirmed and mentioned buying that place over there. Pointed to said condo where for sale sign once lived. Biggie and I kept walking down the sidewalk and on the return she asked the job question. My response was simple... I'm an Independent Contractor. She follwed that with oh in what field and I responsed with Live Touring Production. pauses akward silence.... confused looks and finally I said I travel with various live entertainment shows.... and just as I saw her look of complete terror I drop... "I'm a roadie." She gets it oh "you travel with the rock bands from place to place oh I see. Anyone I know?" We shared a few laughs over my past employers and said good-bye. Biggie and I walked back into the house and it hits me "I'm a roadie." Seriously that's my job.

RAW but not the WWF Smackdown! kind...

"Lately I've been glaring into mirrors picking myself apart you'd think at my age I'd thought of something better to do than making insecurity into a full time job making insecurity into an art." 

-Ani DiFranco

This past Monday-Wednesday I drank water... I ate no food and I drank nothing but ionized filtered water for three days. I faced my demons. I didn't just wake up and say I think I will give a water fast a go... It was all apart of my last 30 Days... Nate gave me a raw food detox as a Christmas gift. I've battled with some skin issues for almost five years. I've tried everything and no one has any answers. In 2009 while in Hong Kong, I saw a chinese herbalist who told me two things he said you have butterfly pattern you need to be tested for lupis and you no eat the heated foods. I assumed he meant look little girl you must learn to stay away from the wasabi... Turns out he meant heated as in cooked. Those who know me know I stopped eating meat when I was around 16. Stories vary on why from the more commonly told there was a big scare about eating meat causing cancer to the less told "I was at Hardee's and my Hamburger moo'd at me." Moral of the story I have been off the meat for 21 years. I am bringing this up to confirm what most of you already know I'm a hippie, Love the animals so not eating meat is easy. No caffiene and by NO I mean not even decaf. I started weening myself off coffee back in Mid-October so that was actually a matter of just switching to the herbals and learning about the super food maca.  So that really just left my biggest addiction. SUGAR. They say that coming off sugar is like coming off of heroin. Lucky for me I've found stevia (it's not sugar)... They also still allow natural sugars like agave and palm sugars etc... non processed. So it's not ZERO sugar but it's not my normal Quentin Tarantino amount of sugar in my coffee...you know I like a side of coffee with my sugar. Moving on...So week one they prepare three raw food meals for you including a raw food dessert. You drop about 5-8pds. Week two you scale down to two raw food meals and you have more clear snot come out of your nose then you every thought possible. Week three you are having one raw food meal and smoothies and the snot turns into a tons of emotional drainage and you learn things like say to those I shut out in the past trust me it wasn't you and the so I am not always right... sighs oh and then on the last week you fast. This means juice (green juice) or Water. I chose to do three days of water. Three is a big number it's the magic number. Now please keep in mind that I have gone 14 days of just drinking UltraClear as a part of the let's figure out what else you are allergic to plan and that when I set my mind to it I am like a Bulldog... I set my eyes on the prize. The prize my health. I'm not going to lie it's not easy. In fact your smells are on high alert so when someone cooks a pizza you smell it 100% more. (this may have to do with the draining of the snot.) Anyway... Day four I added back juice Day Five smoothie Day Six spinach leaves and some fresh lemon juice... That leads us to the NOW. (or to yesterday(s) depending on when you read this) I will continue eating raw food for the next 7 days... I picked up some goodies that I am allowed to add back in: a bag of cacao powder for my smoothies and some raw oatmeal items. I'm also very anxious to try my hand at making a few raw meals. My meals up to this point have been prepared as a part of the cleanse. Which was good/bad... nice to not have to think about it but bad when you are faced with an item you really rather just toss in the bin. Anyway, so Nate and I are going out with friends on Sunday and I'm sure that will involve cooked foods... and let's get real touring isn't easy when it comes to allergies. (Unless of course, I'm with my Lat45 brothers - they always make sure I have something Gluten free)  I do think the only non vegan item I would add back in at this point would be goats cheese... If you've had the sweet potato fries and goats cheese dip at uncommon ground you would fully understand this statement. So on to the Results...

My energy level's are better, My skin is clearer, My thinking is less clouded and I'm finally breaking through years of building up walls. *breathes*

 So This is me Raw Foods on Day 29 - Right after a workout and with no make up! :o)

“I’ve got myself a new mantra, It says ‘Don’t forget to have a good-time.’"-Ani DiFranco